Kindness and Happiness

Happiness can be elusive. I first wrote a variety of phrases starting with “especially when . . . ,” but decided that those four words were enough. No one can be happy all the time, but who doesn’t want to be happy at least part of every day? Surely the same is true of our dogs (and all other sentient creatures). I found myself thinking about this while looking up something in my book on comparative emotions in people and dogs, For the Love of a Dog. Chapter Seven, “Happiness,” talks about many things related our mutual happiness, including how happy dogs can make us, how our expressions of happiness are similar, how we know that both species are often happiest when they anticipate something good, even more than when they get it. (See my post in 2014 on that topic). I go on to write that perhaps the most important way to make a dog happy is to understand it–what it is trying to communicate, what it wants or is afraid of, along with, of course, keeping a dog healthy and safe.

I stand by what I wrote, but nowhere, to my surprise, did I use the word “kindness.” I was so surprised that I looked in the index for The Other End of the Leash, and found no entry for it. Intrigued, I checked out some of the books on top of a nearby table–Who’s a Good Dog by Jessica Pierce, Dog Smart, by Jennifer Holland, and The Year of the Puppy, by Alexandra Horowitz. You can count on each of us, including a long, rich list of other dog training/behavior experts, to talk about the value of positive reinforcement, and the importance of avoiding harsh language and physical corrections. But none of us, in these examples anyway, used the word “kindness,” at least not in a way that it ended up in an index of important concepts.

My best explanation for the lack of that word being found in these books is that “be kind” seems so obvious. Didn’t we all grow up being told to “be kind to animals?” But, of course, some members of our species are, tragically, not kind to animals. We all know the examples; there is no need to list them here. Nor are some people kind to other people, especially those with less power.  That’s always been true, but it does seem like kindness, as a value, seems to be under attack lately.

I thought it might be a good time to look into the science of kindness . . .  what do we really know about it’s value? Here’s a study, one of many, that confirms its power: “A range of kindness activities boost happiness,” by Rowland and Curry, which concluded this:

“ . . . we compare acts of kindness to strong social ties, weak social ties, novel acts of self kindness, and observing acts of kindness, against a no acts control group. The results indicate that performing kindness activities for seven days increases happiness. In addition, we report a positive correlation between the number of kind acts and increases in happiness [my emphasis]. Neither effect differed across the experimental  groups, suggesting that kindness to strong ties, to weak ties, and to self, as well as observing acts of kindness, have equally positive effects on happiness.”

In other words, it doesn’t matter if you are kind to close friends or strangers, being kind makes you happier. And the more often you do something kind, the happier you are. (Apologies . . . a quick search didn’t turn up what acts the authors defined as “kind,” and I’m late to getting this posted. I’ll look later if life allows me to. If you have access to the study, jump into the comments section and let us know.) This is just one example of the value, and power of kindness to others, you can find multiple examples easily. Random Acts of Kindness, for example, is a great resource if you want to read more.

For years I’ve known this, and am in the habit of handing out something–an unexpected tip perhaps?–when I am feeling blue. Here’s my favorite story about what goes around comes around: Several months ago I’d gotten some depressing medical news and was feeling down. I stopped at a Subway in Madison for a sandwich, and was discouraged by a long line. But I noticed that 5 or 6 people in the line were young Latino men, clearly all friends. I snuck around to the cashier, and whispered to him that all their lunches were on me. I told him to keep it quiet. I meant it, I truly didn’t want any attention, just to brighten someone else’s day, because, I knew it would brighten mine. (Which makes me wonder how kind I really was. Sigh.) He didn’t stay quiet–he immediately called out–Hey, guys! This lady is buying your lunches!!”

I got back to my place in line and watched as a bunch of healthy young men ordered sandwiches large enough to keep me going for a couple of days. The one closed to asked me why I was doing it. Usually I would have just smiled and said why not, but I shrugged and said I was having a bad day, and I knew it would cheer me up. The guys all got their sandwiches and sat down at a nearby table while I ordered my six inch veggie sub. Imagine my surprise when one of the guys appeared in front of me with a HUGE bouquet of flowers, that he had sneaked out and purchased for me as a thank you for the group. And to cheer me up. Yeah, I cried. Here I thought I was doing a kindness for others, and it bounced back to me like, well, a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. I could practically cry right now thinking about it.

So. My job, after I am done writing this is to add to my To Do list: What kindness am I going to do for myself today? For Skip? For Maggie? For Jim? For a stranger? (Please ignore the order here, and wish Jim luck on the hand surgery he had today.) Just thinking about all this makes me happy. I already know what Maggie gets, it’s easy: A small of bowl of vanilla ice cream, also known at the farm as Maggie’s Crack Cocaine. (She starts jaw chattering if you bring out the ice cream container.) Skip is harder, because he wants more than anything to work sheep, but the fires in Canada (My heart breaks for my beloved Canadian neighbors) have made the air unsafe, so I think I’ll spend time teaching him to LOVE getting his belly shaved to keep him cool in the summer. Jim is trickier–I do promise not to shave his belly, no matter how many brownies I give him (besides, HE made the brownies!).  For strangers–I’ll look up how I can best help the people forced to evacuate in Canada.

For my act of kindness to myself? Easy! I’ll read your comments about your acts of kindness and feel full up with love and happiness. Can’t wait.

MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Some days it’s like a Disney movie out here, when I all but feed birds and butterflies from my hands. (Not even close, but you get the idea.) Beautiful flowers, gorgeous birds, like Rose-breasted Grosbeaks, Orioles, and Bluebirds nesting up the hill.

We have several families of Grosbeaks, and a raft of other beautiful birds. But now, like a movie’s music switches from cheerful to threatening, it’s become more like a Steven King horror movie. Our feeders are overwhelmed with Grackles, Redwing Blackbirds, and worst of all, Starlings. It’s like a bunch of thugs moved into the neighborhood and are threatening all the locals.

(Thank you Wikipedia for the image.) Starlings are non-native birds who are aggressive to many native species (they love to eject bluebird eggs–is that why our BB nest up the hill is now empty?) and take over feeders. Right now busy chasing away other species, making horrifically ugly screechy calls, and feeding their babies the suet and seeds massive quantities that I spend a fortune on. Grackles and Red-wing blackbirds can be aggressive, but nothing compares to the all-out thuggery of Starlings.

Also in the movie is the woodchuck who is nesting again behind the barn, the one who no doubt who last year ate all of my lilies, and an entire massive patch of sunflowers, along with many other beloved plants.  (Skip just ran into a teenager woodchuck (also called ground hogs) this morning on our walk. I am so so proud of him for coming when called away instantly.) Add in the unseen actor who at all of my peas, spinach, romaine lettuce, and chard in raised beds when I was distracted with company (deer, probably, but woodchuck is a possibility), and it’s like being under seige at the farm. The rabbits and I have mostly made our peace–I’ll just stop planting crocus and they don’t seem to care to leap up into the raised beds.) And, of course, there’s the chipmunks, the squirrels (could you PLEASE stop burying walnuts that sprout and send down roots to the earth’s center within days?), the mice, the voles, the . . .  (no rats at the moment in the barn, thank heavens).

I’m laughing as I write because the milk of human kindness was curdling in my veins while I was writing the section above about, yeah, kindness. I kept running out to the  kitchen window to see Starlings chase off Red-headed Woodpeckers, Cardinals, and the Phoebee mom nesting in the carport. I also am recalling that I am, ahem, a zoologist, who should hardly be surprised that Jim and I live in a neighborhood of many other species whose interests do not align with ours Not to mention that, like Starlings, our ancestors are from Europe too. Neither has our species been particularly kind to most of the natural world. So I will laugh at myself, find humane ways to protect our interests, and continue on.

Here’s some happy photos from the farm: Maggie loves to play with toys as much as any dog I’ve known. Want a happy face? Go outside with Maggie and toss her toy. (I am so sorry I cut your head off, Princess Margaret. Had to restrict the amount of time I was outside.)

Skip and Maggie looking sort of noble: (Looks like Maggie would like to lie down but Skip’s hip is in her way.)

There is some good garden news–the strawberries are prolific. And covered with netting that we hope will be enough to protect them from the hungry hoards.

Still lots of flowers, the iris are especially gorgeous this year. And I just learned that Columbine flowers are good to eat. They are! They are super sweet. What a fun thing to learn.

I’ve gotta call it quits, but I can’t wait to check in and find out what kindnesses you are going to bless the world with today. Thank you in advance, and don’t forget to be kind to yourself, maybe the hardest job of all?