If Bulldogs Could Text: 7 Messages Your Bulldog Would Send You Today

Owning a bulldog is like living with a squat, snorting roommate who has zero shame and unlimited charm. If they had thumbs and a smartphone, your notifications would look a lot different. Here’s what your bulldog would probably text you today.

1. “The couch is mine now. Don’t make it weird.”

You thought you bought that couch for yourself. Your bulldog knows better. He has claimed it as his personal throne, complete with drool stains and a suspicious dent where his body molds perfectly into the cushions.

2. “Yes, I farted. No, I will not apologize.”

Every bulldog owner knows the soundtrack of random toots is part of the package. Your dog would send this unapologetic message with the smug satisfaction of someone who has fully embraced their bodily functions as a lifestyle choice.

3. “Walk? No. Carry me like royalty.”

Bulldogs have the stamina of a retired mall walker. They’ll trot for five minutes, then collapse in dramatic fashion. If texting, your bulldog would request a chauffeured ride back home, preferably with snacks along the way.

4. “Why does my food bowl look suspiciously empty?”

It doesn’t matter if they just ate. According to bulldog logic, their bowl should always contain food. Always. Expect this text accompanied by a blurry selfie of their wrinkled face pressed against the bowl in protest.

5. “The Amazon guy came. I scared him. You’re welcome.”

Bulldogs are built like bouncers, but behind that stocky frame is the personality of a gossiping neighbor. Your dog would proudly inform you of every “intruder” who dared step foot on the porch, even if that intruder was just a package of socks.

6. “Pet me. No, not there. Okay, stop. Actually keep going.”

A bulldog’s demands for affection would come in contradictory bursts. Their texts would reflect the constant negotiation of belly rubs, head pats, and the sacred spot right above the tail.

7. “I licked the toddler. He’s clean now.”

Bulldogs see themselves as multitaskers, guard dogs, companions, and apparently sanitation specialists. Your kid just had a popsicle? Don’t worry, your bulldog already handled the cleanup, and he’s proud enough to text you about it.

If bulldogs could text, your phone would never stop buzzing with blunt honesty, ridiculous pride, and questionable gas related updates. Luckily, they can’t, so for now, you’ll just get the slobbery kisses and the side eye in person.