If Great Danes Could Text: 7 Messages Your Great Dane Would Send You Today

Great Danes look majestic, but anyone who has lived with one knows they’re really oversized comedians wrapped in fur. If they had thumbs and a phone, your notifications would be a hilarious mix of neediness, sass, and surprise wisdom. Here’s what your Great Dane would be blowing up your phone with today.

1. “I sneezed on the cat. Again. My bad.”

Your Dane isn’t sorry. The cat probably deserved it. Or maybe your dog just sneezed with the force of a leaf blower and pretended not to notice the cat’s disgusted exit. Either way, you’d get this text while cleaning fur out of your coffee.

2. “You left the couch. I have absorbed it. It is mine now.”

The second your butt lifts, that couch is a throne. Never mind that there’s barely room for their giraffe sized body. They’ll curl up awkwardly, then glare at you when you return, daring you to reclaim what’s yours.

3. “The delivery guy waved. I am now his emotional support animal.”

Great Danes love strangers like it’s their full time job. If Amazon so much as slows down in front of your house, your Dane has already decided you’re throwing a welcome home party for the delivery driver.

4. “The neighbor’s pug barked at me. I considered diplomacy. Then I sat on him.”

They don’t mean to be bullies. But sometimes a Dane’s version of conflict resolution is… well, using their 150 pounds as a negotiation tactic. It’s effective, if undignified.

5. “Walk? No? Okay then I’ll just collapse in the hallway like a Victorian ghost.”

If you don’t meet their energy schedule, your Great Dane won’t argue. They’ll stage a dramatic faint, sprawled like a medieval painting until you feel guilty enough to grab the leash.

6. “Found a squirrel. Didn’t catch it. Still proud. Please clap.”

The chase is never successful. Squirrels are sprinting athletes and Danes are lumbering sprinters at best. But in your dog’s mind, the effort itself deserves an Olympic medal and a treat.

7. “Bedtime. Scoot over or lose circulation in your legs.”

Their bedtime ritual involves claiming every inch of mattress real estate and leaving you curled like a shrimp on the edge. But hey, they’re warm, they’re happy, and they don’t understand why you’re complaining about not being able to breathe.

If Great Danes could text, your phone would never stop buzzing. Between their oversized egos, ridiculous accidents, and relentless affection, life with a Dane is part comedy show, part love letter, and 100 percent chaos. And you wouldn’t trade a single message.